Lesbian Relationships: Nurturing Love

March 12, 2009

[My apologies for not having this post up yesterday as promised but it seems that Comcast went retro on us all day yesterday, taking our internet connection back to the days of 2400 baud dial-up. Gratefully all systems are "Go" this morning.]

This could be the shortest blog post I’ve ever written since the bottom line to nurturing a mutually loving, healthy lifelong relationship could be summed up with this one tasty morsel:

Refer to I Corinthians 13: 4-8.

“How clever of me!” I thought until I mentioned my little nugget of wisdom to D who suggested I amend it to read:

Refer to I Corinthians 13:4-8 and do what I say.

So the big secret to a healthy life-long relationship has been revealed here. Love one another and do what your wife says.

Yep, that sums it all up but seeing I have a little extra time on my hands and nothing else to do, I think I’ll add a little more to round out some ways that the love of I Corinthians 13:4-8 can be lived out in the ordinary day to day life of a relationship.

When we say we love someone, what does that really mean? There’s no question that love is a feeling but love is more. Love is action, intention, and commitment. Love is a constant presence in the landscape of a relationship. Even when there’s conflict and stress, weariness and anxiety, love will remain and love will lead. Couples who declare their love for one another need to talk about how that love will be lived out between them; that along with loving the other in a way that uniquely expresses each heart, the two of you will agree to a standard of loving one another that will border and secure the gift of relationship that has been entrusted to your care.

To love the one who has given their heart to us is the most important thing we will ever do. We can fail in our jobs, we might never attain our lofty dreams or fulfill our life’s aspirations but if we have loved those in our lives with abandon, passion, and generosity of heart then our lives will have been lives well lived. There is nothing more for us to do that will have made our time on this earth of more value. There is no greater accomplishment than to love.

D and I have been together for ten years and when we look over the life span of our relationship we see ways in which  our relationship has grown, strengthened in health, and deepened in love. To explain how it is that we have the relationship we do is to begin with God’s grace. To be loved and to love is a gift of grace and just as I thank D for loving me as she does, I give thanks to God in the same breathe for allowing me to be loved and to love as I do. Our relationship begins outsides ourselves in God’s gift to us and then D and I build on what God has given through our daily commitment to make loving one another a priority in our lives. We cherish what we have and will do whatever it takes each day to honor, protect, and nurture it. We don’t know any secrets to a successful relationship. We just love one another, at times imperfectly, at other times in grand fashion, and this commitment to loving is the best assurance we have for a healthy, loving lifelong relationship.

Before you read on let me tell you a little something about D and I. I think by anyone’s standards we’d be considered a conventional married couple, at least as conventional as we can be considering that our household is comprised of two wives. This is the kind of marriage each of us always wanted and so that is what is reflected in our relationship. We’re pretty much Ozzie and Harriet if Ozzie were a woman. In terms of how we relate to one another, we’re Romeo and Juliet without the drama, tragedy, poison or dagger. We both have romantic souls with strong leanings toward the sappy and the silly. This is just who we are and so the way we live out our love for one another is often influenced by our Ozzie and Harriet, Romeo and Juliet tendencies. I’m bothering to tell you this because as I use examples from our own relationship to highlight some of the ways a relationship can be cared for I don’t want you to think I’m suggesting you and yours be like me and mine.  You and your partner will find your own ways to tend to one another and to your relationship; ways that will genuinely reflect your personalities and the unique relationship you share in together.

You might want to have a conversation together and talk with each other about the commitments you want to make toward your relationship and the little things that could be done or said each day that will let each of you know you’re loved by the other. Imagine together that a house guest came to stay with the two of you for a week. At the end of their stay, what would your guest have seen or heard during their visit that would have let them know you loved each other?

Needless to say a healthy relationship depends on the health of the two people in it and their shared commitment to the relationship. My metaphor for the morning is that both oars need to be in the water for the boat to move forward and your relationship needs both of you actively involved in its care. You can’t do this alone because if you’re the only one investing in the relationship, you’re going to end up depleted, weary, and resentful. You’ll be in the boat paddling like crazy and going nowhere but in an ever tightening circle. This is the very reason why it’s so critical that before you both say “I do” you each say “I will.” I will do my part in this relationship. I will invest my life in what we have. I will contribute to the life we’re creating together. I will. She will. We will.

A close friend of mine who has had the chance to see D and I together commented on our relationship by saying, “It seems like you and D are always trying to outdo each other in loving one another.” Hearing that meant so much to us because it was a confirmation of a commitment each of us has had since the beginning of our relationship; a commitment to be more invested in seeking ways to serve and love the other than in being served and loved. The love of I Corinthians 13 isn’t self-seeking or selfish. It seeks the best for the other person. It looks for ways to give and serve. It’s a love that finds it’s truest joy in giving more than in receiving. The beautiful thing is when both people in the relationship are committed to putting the one they love first, then both will be equally cared for and receive an abundance of love without ever needing to ask for it.

Among the vows exchanged on our wedding day was the promise to treat each other with honor and respect in both public and private. I want D to be confident that no matter where we go together or where I am when I am away from her, I will never speak of her in any way that diminishes her. I will never criticize her or expose her flaws (if I ever discover any) to anyone. Have you ever been around a couple who are playfully teasing each other only to have the conversation take on a sarcastic tone or include a roll of the eyes or a smirk that makes you as an outsider get the sense that what’s going on is more than just lighthearted fun between them, that a raw nerve in the relationship has been exposed? I have and I don’t like it. I don’t feel comfortable when someone makes a joke about their spouse or comments on something that happened privately between them. It puts me on edge when one person in a relationship jokingly rolls their eyes at the other, mutters a snarky word or speaks in a tone of voice that reflects anything but respect for their spouse. In that moment their partner seems uncovered and unprotected by the very person who should be their strongest ally in the world. I know my weaknesses and D knows them too and yet even when the edges of my weaknesses expose themselves in public, D never points them out in criticism or in jest. She wants me to be seen in my best light by others even when I mess up because that’s how much she loves me. Give your partner the gift of feeling safe and protected by you. Let them know that whatever issues are going on between the two of you, in public you will always stand in her corner and in private you will make every effort to be respectful and honorable toward her. Treating each other with respect applies equally when you’re having a disagreement  between the two of you because in times of tension and conflict, your spouse is still no less your spouse and no less a gift to be cherished.

There’s nothing in my closet D hasn’t seen me wear a thousand times but that doesn’t stop her from occasionally saying “I love how you look in those pants” or commenting that I look handsome in a particular outfit. It makes me smile every time because not only does her compliment make me believe I’m attractive to her but that she even noticed and said something about it makes me feel loved. As it is with most relationships, some of the tasks of the house are shared and others fall under her domain or mine. I’m the toilet scrubber. She’s the vacuumer. I’m the cook. She’s the laundress. Much of the time I don’t think about the laundry and carpet because I’ve come to expect that D will take care of them but other times when I’m more mindful I stop to say thank you. I’ll see my pile of clean folded laundry on top of the dresser and say, “Honey, thank you for doing the laundry. I really appreciate it.” “Thank you for vacuuming the bedroom. It looks so nice.” Passing compliments and words of thanks might seem insignificant but I don’t think anything could be further from the truth. We live in a world where we’re criticized and judged everyday just for being gay. We put in overtime at the office and no one seems to notice or appreciate our extra effort. We see stylish clothing we can’t afford in sizes we could never squeeze into without a jumbo shoehorn and a tub of grease. What an incredible gift it is at the end of the day to leave all that behind and come home to someone who thinks we’re adorable in three year old jeans and expresses gratitude for the little things we’ve done. Don’t hesitate to lavish compliments and genuine words of gratitude on one another. And it goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, carry your share of responsibility in the household. Divide and conquer when it comes to keeping your home running smoothly. In your relationship you might find that one of you is able to contribute more financially while the other might bring more sweat equity to the house. Consider everything you’re each contributing to the house and be certain you both feel things are divided up fairly so that no one feels like they’re carrying more than their fair share because down that road lies resentment. Your partner might not lavish praise on you everytime you wash the windows or roll the garbage can out to the curb but it needs to be done so do it.

In our bedroom is a hand painted sign that reads “Always kiss me goodnight.” We always do. Even when we’re exhausted and cranky D and I kiss each other goodnight every night. Before you fall asleep, spend a few minutes holding hands in bed. Drink coffee side by side in bed in the morning and while you do, rest your hand on her arm. If she leaves the house in the morning before you do, walk to the front door with her and say goodbye. Tell her you’ll be thinking of her during the day. Give her a call at work. “Just wanted to say I hope you’re having a good day and oh yeh, I love you. Bye.” If you get home in the evening before she does, just stop what you’re doing when she walks in the door long enough to say “Hi! I’m glad you’re home” or “How was your day?” I will admit that every so often I channel my inner Harriet and stand waiting for D at the door. No white chiffon dress and apron with a wooden spoon in one hand and a mixing bowl filled with cake batter in the other. Just little old scruffy tee shirt wearing lesbian me. Try to remember to be generous with affectionate loving touches, loving gestures, and words of “I love you.” I’m not suggesting you walk around your home like a living breathing Hallmark card with Valentine shaped hearts wafting around you in the air but when you see an opportunity to do a kind thing for your spouse, consider taking the extra ounce of effort to do it.

The other morning was freezing cold outside and so when I went to leave for an appointment, I backed my car out of the garage and then came back into the house so I could get D’s keys and pull her car into the garage from the outside parking space where it had been all night so it would be warm when she went to leave a few minutes later. It took me two extra minutes to do. She didn’t ask me to do it. I did it because it was a nice thing to do for the woman I love, like the hundreds of nice things she does for me all the time. This is just how we roll in our house; not because we’re so incredibly sweet but because we know that every little effort we make to show love to one another not only demonstrates the love we have for one another but increases the presence of love in our relationship. Every little kindness today is an investment in the health and joy of your relationship in the future.

In the early months of our marriage D and I took time nearly every week to put aside all distractions and have a conversation. The conversation would usually begin with one of us saying, “Is there anything you want to tell me? Is there something that’s come up this week we need to talk about?” Setting aside intentional time gave each of us permission and space to tell the other person something that had happened in the previous week that we had feelings about and hadn’t been ready or able to talk about earlier. The conversation might have continued with one of us saying “When we were talking the other day about the decision we needed to make, I felt like you’d already made up your mind and weren’t really interested in my opinion” or “I get frustrated waiting for you when I know we’re going to be late” or “My feelings were hurt when you made that comment the other day.” Those conversations were never easy but they were important, especially as D and I were working out the details of navigating life together with another person after two lifetimes of living as independent, single women. We’d never been married before. We’d never created a home with another person. We’d never shared all our assets and possessions with anyone else. We’d never made joint decisions. There was a whole world of firsts we were working through together and so those early conversations were vital in helping us understand each other and how to best communicate and work together as a couple. Even today we’ll occasionally have a spontaneous version of these early scheduled conversations and though they’re far more infrequent in number they’re still just as important. Sometimes we need to tweek our communication or be sure we’re on the same page about issues that affect us as a couple. Consider making intentional times for uninterrupted conversations where you are as committed to listening as to being heard. Don’t focus on what your spouse did or didn’t do but on your feelings. Be honest while weighing your words with kindness and love. Apologize when an apology is due. Avoid being defensive. Find a resolution and agree together on how you might both handle a similar situation differently the next time. If you’re at an impasse look at compromises you both can make to reach a middle ground. Above all, accept that all relationships require work and take satisfaction in knowing that the two of you can work through any problems or conflicts you encounter together.

Along with the work of being in relationship, don’t forget to enjoy each other. It’s so easy after a few years to be lulled into a familiar routine that involves the two of you being together but not being together. Find and make opportunities to be together. Continue to date each other even after you say “I do.” Have fun. Go play. Take daytrips. Go on walks. Save up for a night on the town. Bake cupcakes. Put together a puzzle. Visit the dogs at the rescue shelter. Go browse the travel section at the bookstore and talk about where you’d like to travel sometime. Sneak your own popcorn into the movies. Turn up the music and dance in the living room. Visit the museum. Go do something with her that she loves to do. Read a book out loud to each other. Be as intentional in your play together as you are in loving each other. This is your life, she’s your love so for goodness’ sake, have fun.

So much for a short post.

Posted in Relationships