Dyke Dating: God’s Girlfriend Guarantee

February 19, 2009

Some won’t agree with what I write here. Of course I realize I run that risk every time I open my mouth or start tapping my fingers on the keyboard so I’m prepared for that, however much it pains me to not have full consensus in every thought and word that proceeds forth from my cluttered opinionated mind. I’m not kidding.

In my pre-oh-my-goodness-i-like-women-and-not-men-days, I moved among a large conservative Christian community, that included my congregation, my denomination, and the larger web of evangelical Christians and among those I knew the best were a legion of single straight Christian women. My impression is that most of them had always looked forward to the day when they would get married. Some of them, myself included, had been instructed from our youth to pray for the man God would one day bring into our lives and many them, myself not included, had been doing that very thing for years, but as they watched other women younger than themselves walk down the aisle, no prospect of a future husband appeared on their horizon. To my knowledge, none of these women excessively drooled in public, snorted uncontrollably, or had a hairy mole on the center of their chin. These women were the whole package, just as beautiful inside as they were outside and yet as the years passed they began to cross the line from Singlelandia to Spinsterville.

From what I can tell it’s not all that different for all you amazing lesbian women I know who are hoping, dreaming, praying, waiting, and turning over rocks for your one true love.  I think there’s actually an added aspect that heightens the dilemma for us. As it turned out a number of us spent years of our lives believing we were straight because as Christians it’s not as though any other consideration was possible that didn’t involve hell’s flames licking at our backside, or we spent that same number of years trying to deny we were gay and in the process were sending out some weird kind of signal to men that yes, we were interested but no so much really. A few of us did indeed get married like good girls should but others of us never got the hang of the whole male-female dating thing for no other reason that it was never meant to be our thing in the first place.

And then boom, we realize we’re gay and it all makes sense! No wonder I never married! Now I get why I was never attracted to a man and why they didn’t seem all that interested in me! It all makes sense now. What a relief! I’m not a loser, I’m a lesbian!

Now we finally know what our heart desires. We want to find a woman to love and who will love us in return. That’s the life and love we were meant for. We’re done being alone.  Now that we know who we are and what and who we want in terms of a relationship, we’re ready for it to begin. Now. And even for those of us who aren’t looking to settle down behind a white picket fence we at least want a nice woman to ask us out for coffee on a Saturday afternoon. A woman to hold my hand and say sweet things? Check. Guppy love eyes looking at me? Check. A woman who calls in the middle of the day to say she’s thinking about me and means it? Check. We’ve waited so long to have our lives make sense and now that it does, let it begin!

Look to the left. Look to the right. No woman in sight. Why isn’t God answering my prayers? Is there something not good enough about me to attract another woman? Am I still alone because this is God’s way of telling me being in a relationship with another woman is wrong? Since I can’t find a woman with the same faith and values do I need to settle for a different life and relationship than I really want? So where is she?

The Genesis story (Genesis 2:18) tells us that God didn’t make man to be alone and that’s a pretty sensible thing to say to explain and encourage our many generations removed great-grandparents to join together in union and propagate the earth, but I don’t see in the creation story that would guarantee a soul mate to every man or woman, gay or straight. If I believed such a guarantee came as part of our birthright then I’d have to contend with the reality that God is letting down a whole lot of people who have spent their lives looking forward to the day and praying for the day when their special someone would come along and that idea doesn’t set well with me at all because God doesn’t disappoint, God doesn’t fail and God doesn’t renege on God’s promises.

We often quote Psalm 37:4, a passage we hold to in faith as we dream our dreams. “Delight yourself in the Lord and God will give you the desires of your heart.” The way I understand those words is that the desires I hold in my heart will be the desires God has given me, not that God will give me everything I desire. All it says is that God will give the desires of my heart to me, not that God will then go on to fulfill every desire. There are desires, ones I believe that come from God that serve a greater purpose unanswered than answered because desires unfulfilled often lead me in directions I would have never traveled without them or had the desire being satisfied at the start. As long as my desires are God’s and my life is led by them I have faith that my life will be enough and hold enough.

Are you on board with me or have you jumped ship for more name it claim it get it waters?

With all that being said, I suspect there’s a wider meaning behind the Genesis words than the exclusive coupling of one man with one woman. John Donne expressed it beautifully in his Meditation XVII, “No man is an island, entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.” While every man and woman will not marry, some by choice and some by circumstance, no one is meant to stand outside of being in relationship with others. I believe we are born for relationship; relationship with God and relationship with others and a deep satisfaction and fulfillment comes in giving ourselves to a myriad of emotionally and spiritually intimate relationships.

D came into my life four years after my previous relationship ended. During those four years I wasn’t looking for anyone. I wasn’t even looking for anyone when D found me. I know this might come off sounding like “A Dummies Guide to Therapy” but during those four years I took the time to develop a relationship with myself. I got to know who I was and most days I thought I was a pretty great person to spend my time with. I also began to appreciate in a new way the value and connection of individual friendships where I was able to give and receive the physical affection we all crave without crossing the line into a sexual relationship. I also threw myself into the life of a church community, not just in doing the busy work that we worker bee Christians can get caught up in, but through engaging purposefully in a deeper community life that involved outside the churchwalls gatherings and times of honest sharing among safe and loving people and loving the children in the congregation was a tremendous gift of relationship in my life, satisfying my desire to give and express love creativity and joyfully. Even in the midst of all those relationships, however meaningful they were, there were still times of loneliness because at the end of the day they were at home in a house with their spouse and children and I was at home with two lovable but non-conversational non-embraceable cats. And that was okay. People are lonely. Even married ones. Even ones with children. As humans we need relationships. As humans we will experience loneliness. That’s life just being life. Henri Nouwen was someone who spoke eloquently, painfully, and hopefully of loneliness and if that’s an ongoing struggle for you you might benefit from reading some of his books (Bread for the Journey, Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life…), or begin with these excerpts and in particular the piece entitled “Stand Strong in Your Sorrow.”

Let me ever so clear. My life with D is the sweetest thing I have ever known and as long as God gives me breath I’ll live every day of my life loving her and being loved by her.  Now that I’ve known life with D I can’t imagine life without her but I also believe it’s equally true that had D never come along, I would have still been okay. My life would have gone on and while there would have been lonely days as before, my life would have been no less rich. It just would have been rich in different ways. I don’t think God brought D into my life because a life partner was guaranteed to me. I was somewhere and she passed by and we connected. It happens sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t.

I’m not telling anyone to give up praying and dreaming for a life partner. Not at all! Maybe there is a perfect someone just for you that you only have yet to meet or maybe there are a dozen perfect someones and all you need to do is have your path cross with one of them. If you’re longing for a special someone then I want you to know I’m cheering you on and hoping that all your dreams come true. I really am.  I also believe if such love came along and happened for me, it can happen for you. All I’m suggesting is that in this time while the other side of the bed is empty you think about what it is you most desire in the relationship of your dreams and look for other ways to have those desires lead you in all sorts of amazing directions.

Do you want someone to love and spoil with kindness? Then find people who you can lavish with love and kindness. The world outside your front door is filled with people who would melt with a single gesture of love or a simple word of kindness. You can’t believe how little you would have to give of yourself to change someone’s life for the good. Do you want to be adored? Then get involved with children at church or in an after school program. They will adore you like you can’t believe, guppy-eyed adoration and all. Do you want to be loved? Recognize that you already are. Love is coming at you in a hundred directions and the love of God, a child, a parent, or a friend is just as tender and deep and real as the love you long for. If genuine love is present in whatever form you’re not settling for second best. Do you want companionship? Be a companion to others. Adopt a grandparent at the senior center. Be a mentor at the woman’s shelter. Make Friday nights a date night to serve dinner at the local rescue mission or soup kitchen. If you’re lonely you can be sure others are. Find them. Listen to them. Talk to them. Look in their eyes so they know they’re not invisible.  Do you want to experience sexual affection and love? Then for goodness’ sake SisterFriend, be affectionate and loving to yourself and yes, I’m saying exactly what you think I’m saying and you don’t need an instruction manual. You are a beautiful sensual woman however svelte or Rubenesque that body of yours is. Don’t diminish your own ability to appreciate and explore the landscape you embody, and at the same time be creative in finding non-sexual, sensual pleasure in life. There are plenty of them so go enjoy an exquisite bite of artisan chocolate or soak in a bubble bath by candlelight.

No. I’m not kidding. I can’t tell you how to find a girlfriend but at least I can point you to Fannie May and Ethel M.

Posted in Dating